Tuesday, December 5, 2006

Journal Entry: December 5, 2006

I'm starting on the Bible again. Wish me luck.

I'm starting on my Meaning of Life book again. Wish me luck.

I'm starting on Sleeping Kings again. Wish me luck.

I'm starting on the SK website again. Wish me luck.

I'm starting on Neverwinter Nights module development again (after a five year break). Wish me luck.

I'm starting on the Remnant game again (part of that last one). Wish me luck.

Also, I'm thinking about picking up King Jason's War again, y'know, to fill some of my spare time. Oh yeah, and I'm about to have a baby.

...

Wish me luck.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Journal Entry: November 27, 2006

Thanksgiving come and gone.

It was a really good one. Honestly, Thanksgiving doesn't really stand out to me as the sort of holiday I think about any time other than late November. Mostly just Thanksgiving week. It's not high on my list of priorities, is what I'm getting at. I usually enjoy a pretty good meal, and do my best to watch a Cowboys game in spite of family, and then it's over and done.

This year -- and I don't really know why -- this year, Thanksgiving was awesome. Now, I said the same last Christmas (when it was my family's turn for Christmas), and that was for a very particular reason. We had a LAN party Christmas. We all got together in Little Rock to quest in Azeroth. Wahoo! But, no, I'm not just repeating that.

We did play some WoW, which was fun. We spent Friday afternoon in Blackrock Depths, and it was Mom's first successful trip there. We'd dragged her along several times when she was still too low level to be there, but now she was actually ready, and I think we all had a really good time with that.

But that was really only Friday afternoon. Dad and I played some Saturday night, but other than that, there wasn't really any dedicated WoW time. We all ate a lot (a lot), and I watched even more football than usual. Oh, and all of my teams won. With one exception (founded solely on petty hatred), every football game I cared about at all this weekend went exactly as I would have wanted it to. Dallas tore up. OU managed to win (and we weren't sure they would until the last second), and thanks to Texas' loss, that means OU is going to the Big 12 Championship, which is quite awesome. And the Giants lost in an amazing sort of way, which puts Cowboys at the top of the NFC East.

Okay, I don't know how much you care about football, but the point is that, in an amazing confluence of good luck, everyone I wanted to win, won. And everyone I wanted to lose, lost. Those commas probably shouldn't be there, but just consider them rhetorical.

The big thing, though, that really kind of surprised me, was the extra family we had around. Heather and Graham were there, and reminded me how great it was to have them back from far Maine, so they can at least make holidays. But my Dad's family was there, too -- his brother Perry, sister-in-law Debby, and my cousins Sam and Katie. These are the ones who lived in Scotland and France, before moving back to Houston last summer. And here I was complaining about Maine.

Anyway, Perry and Debby and Sam and Katie, and I got to spend time with all of them and they are all four really cool people. That was fun. It's always nice to learn you're related to good people.

Also got calls from Bruce and Josh, both of which were exciting. And then found time Sunday night, after a long drive home, to have dinner with the Austins, and watch another of the Cowboys' rivals lose a football game. It was a busy weekend, and my computer was broken, and that drive is just ridiculously long...but it was probably one of the best Thanksgivings I've ever had. Yay for that!

I hope yours was good, too.

Monday, November 6, 2006

My Daughter

Okay, so we're focus-grouping a couple names for our upcoming production: Daughter. That is, our actual daughter. We're looking for popular input, so...well, this being voting week or whatever, I'm going with the theme. Step right up and fulfill your democratic duty, or whatever.

These are the current choices:
Annabelle Grace (R)

Diana Grace (D)

Please make your pick. Write-in votes are probably acceptable, too, but they stand about the same chance of passing as the real-world equivalents.

Thursday, November 2, 2006

Journal Entry: November 2, 2006

Some of you will have heard all this already. These topics have been very much on my mind over the last few days....

There are a lot of people who turn to literature (or art or entertainment in general) as a form of escapism. Especially the fantasy genre. There are many, many artists who create art as a form of escapism. Again, especially in fantasy. I guess the basic idea is, "This world sucks, so I'll go spend some mind-time in a world over which I have complete control." The two sets don't necessarily overlap. A lot of time you'll find artists using their escapism, asserting their control, to create a world that is very not escapist. The really dark and unpleasant and depressing stuff can be completely relaxing to its creator. Better to give than to receive, and all that.

Anyway, I think writing-as-escapism is, for the most part, just assumed. I know I always did. Sometimes it would confuse me, but it just made sense that the reason I'd dream up all these stories was to get away from the real world.

It's really not true, though. Not for me. I've come to recognize that fact more and more over the last couple weeks.

A lot of writers turn to their fantasy worlds when their real life gets too real. I'm the opposite. I really cannot write, cannot invest myself in my fiction, unless my real world is in good order. All of my history of writing supports that, and...I dunno. It makes sense to me. It fits with who I am.

I have a family history of susceptibility to addictive behavior. My parents made sure I was well aware of that, growing up, and it's a big part of my self-awareness. I keep an eye out for that. I drink, and some evenings I drink a lot, but I am constantly watching myself, paying attention, wondering if maybe it's become an addiction.

It's not. It could be, and I can see how easily it could be, but alcohol isn't really my weakness. Not drugs, either. Maybe food, sometimes, but even that...not really. Video games, probably. Not writing, though.

In high school I had a counselor suggest that I make up my stories to hide from the real world. I think, at different times, both of my parents sat me down and talked with me about that, too. And I'm sure I could have gone that way, but I didn't. You see, I've always taken my writing very seriously. Parable of the Talents, and all. I think of my storytelling as a way to impact the world, to make it better.

I can't do that if I'm hiding from the world. So I don't. If the world is challenging me -- if I'm truly stressed out -- then I can't find my way to my fantasy world. Back in high school, I wrote The Poet Alexander as a sort of catharsis, describing my whole relationship with Trish (by whom I'd been dumped, at the time) in the characters of noble and brilliant Alex, so stricken by the cruelties of the woman who had spurned him.

I dunno. Catharsis has just never really been my game. I couldn't finish the book, as much as I wanted to. Trish and I got back together in our junior year, though, and I finished the book all in a rush. A hundred and twenty pages in a week, over half of that in a single night. (It was a crazy night.) I didn't really change the story, but it had hope. The ending was still sad, in its way, and Trish never appreciated that, but it took that...peace, I think, in my real world, to let me write at all.

Taming Fire was the same way. I wrote it during my happiest time at college. Two years later, I decided to give it a full rewrite, and I was blazing along on that, doing an awesome job (and making good time), until the second semester of my senior year hit, and suddenly I realized I had no job prospects. I had no idea what I was going to do, and I had a family to feed. Ugh. I spent most of that semester in panic, and I barely wrote a word. I think I got a C in Creative Writing that semester.

Yeah.

Got the job at Lowrance, which paid way better than I'd expected. Then we got Trish through with school, and she got a job, and everything settled down and was looking good (this was before I realized I hated that job), and I tore up on the rest of that rewrite. It was really some of the most productive writing I'd ever done. I even got some major work on King Jason's War done before work started to wear at me, and then I stopped. And work got worse and worse, and for two years I didn't write a thing.

I've been thinking about these things, as month after month goes by without us getting a rent check on the Tulsa house, and Sleeping Kings goes unfinished, and I open up Word to write, and find I have nothing to say. I can't get into the story, I can't go there, because there's too much unfinished here....

And I always thought maybe I'd be a writer now, if things had been different. Maybe if I hadn't married Trish, I would have tried the starving artist thing. I don't think so, though. I dunno, maybe it would be different if I didn't have a family to feed. Maybe I'd be willing to give in to the escapism, to sacrifice the real world for my imaginary one, but I really don't think so. I think my parents raised me with too great a sense of responsibility, in that regard at least.

I need stability, I need comfort, I need peace, before I can go to that place where the U. S. is falling apart and golden ages burn, where civilization itself threatens to crumble. It's a pretty strange situation.

I think I'm proud of myself for that, though. But, yeah, I hope things get better soon. I would really like to get to the part where everything blows up, y'know?

Friday, October 27, 2006

Rhetorical Question

Here's a rhetorical question:

Who wants chili burgers?

...

Ack! Okay, now, see, if you said, "I do," then that shows you're pretty smart, because you want chili burgers. But, at the same time, it shows you're pretty dumb, because you answered a rhetorical question.

On the other hand, if you thought "I do," then good for you. Gold star.

I'm gonna go get a chili burger.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Journal Entry: October 16, 2006

What incredible friends! I mean really!

Friday, we went to Tulsa to work on the house. I think I mentioned before that that was the plan. Basically, everyone I know offered their help, and/or expressed their frustration that they wouldn't be able to come help us work on the house. I can tell you this: if you'd been completely available, I would have had to make you stay home anyway. We easily did as much as we could do, without having a big bundle of cash to fix the place up. And we certainly don't have that.

So that takes care of the friends who couldn't help. Those that could: Trish's dad let us use his truck for the trip. He was driving down to OKC anyway, with Trish's brother-in-law John, to catch a flight to California for an air show. (They got back yesterday evening, and by all accounts had a great time.) He was kind enough to drive the truck down, giving us the opportunity to do a lot more than we otherwise could have.

Kris and Nicki went with us. All of us but Kris had Friday afternoon off anyway, and Kris was nice enough to take a day of vacation. We moved a spare refrigerator back to Tulsa (it had been sitting in our garage since we moved down), and took along a bunch of cleaning supplies, and lawn machines. That is, I brought a lawn mower, and Kris brought a whole assortment of torture devices designed to make a yard talk. Oh, and I brought hedge trimmers.

We got in about 2:30, and headed to dinner four hours later. I was thinking we had about two hours of work to do. Even with Josh, and Vicki and her husband all coming to help out, we were fully busy for four hours, and we left at least another hour's worth of work for Josh to do.

Let me tell you about Josh. We were best friends in elementary school. Not actually in school -- he went to school in Claremore (outside Tulsa) and I went to school in Foyil (outside Claremore). We saw each other at church, and hung out most weekends. When I moved to Wichita (summer after sixth grade), I missed Josh most of my friends from there. He's the only one I'm still in touch with. We lived together for some small amount of time. We were in each other's weddings.

A lot of life has happened since then, and we haven't spoken nearly as much as we should've, I'm sure. I was kind of scared of seeing him, spending time with him, just because I felt like I hadn't done nearly enough to stay in touch. I didn't know how much we'd each changed, or how well we would get along.

Friday, seeing Josh, it was like being six again. I love that guy so much. It was good to get to talk, to stand on the porch of my old house and hear him say how much fun his kids would have in the back yard. At dinner, his dad offered him tickets to the OU game Saturday, and he invited me and the Austins to come along. It was an incredible day.

Sunday, I stayed home. I got to spend the whole day on the couch (which is the way I like it). OU won on Saturday, the Cowboys won on Sunday. What more can you ask for?

We still don't have a definite answer on the house in Tulsa. Every time I visit, I realize how much more work really needs to be done on it. It could easily have been a frustrating weekend, loaded with the stresses and distractions that that house represents in my life, but instead it was a lot of fun. It was a reminder, at every turn, of the incredible friends and supportive family I've got. I smiled a lot, and I laughed a lot. Thank you, Josh. Thank you, Austins. Thank you, Trish's Dad. And everybody else. Mom and Dad, Dan, Toby et alia, Julie, Bruce, everybody who was so ready to do anything they could to help us out.

You did. Thank you.

Thursday, October 5, 2006

Journal Entry: October 5, 2006

There are two ways to stop writing a story.

Wait, before I get into that, I've reminded myself of something else.

Ah, haha.

No, seriously, the something else: there are two ways to end a story when you, as the writer, completely give up on finishing it. You can either kill off all the characters (or enough of them as to resolve the plot, by way of its invested characters being dead), or you can have someone wake up, and it was all just a dream.

Immature writers think these things are clever. They are not. They occur to all writers, and are a way of getting out of doing the hard work. It's not hard to write the beginning of a story. It's not hard to write the middle. It is remarkably hard to write the end. It's like a sonic boom, if I remember my physics correctly.

(What am I, a Science teacher? Figure it out for yourself.)

That discussion could legitimately fall under the "two ways to stop writing a story" heading, but it's not what I'd intended. What I mean is, (1) you can burn out on a story by losing interest, or having insufficient energy to push through that barrier and get to the end or (2) you can get distracted by some other project, that draws your attention and energy away from the unfinished work.

I don't think I've ever done (1). That's what most people call writer's block. Well, no, that's what most writers call writer's block. Everybody else has some strange concept of writer's block that, honestly, just isn't relevant.

I'm really bad about (2), though (as you all well know). I don't let it worry me too much, because I'm young. And because, for the most part, the new project I move on to is generally of at least as high a value as the old one was. I've described my writing process here before. I take long breaks, and the project almost always benefits from them.

The problem is...if I die tomorrow, I'll only have one whole story told. Two, if anyone can dig out a copy of The Poet Alexander. I hate that. I want to think of myself as a novelist, but with all the time I've put into it, I've only completed two things, and both of them terrible.

Anyway, obviously this has something to do with Sleeping Kings. I am working on it again. Some, a little bit. You wouldn't believe how hard it is to push through the pile of pages, near the end. I'm working on it, though. I'm also becoming diverted more and more, though, by old projects set aside. I came up with a fantastic idea for King Jason's War the other day, and I'm just itching to write enough of that story that I can use the idea. Incidentally, that's another story that I set aside around 70%, in the way I'm discussing. Not because I didn't care anymore, but because I cared about other things that drew me away. It's a good story, though, and I'd love to get it finished.

I've been thinking about my sci-fi stuff, too. Most of you know this story, but shortly after I moved to Tulsa I won a writing contest on the forums of a sci-fi game that was in-development, called Eschaton. The prize for winning the contest was a job as the storyline writer for the game. I was pretty excited.

They never got any backers, though, and after three years of not hearing much from them, the game folded. I asked them for permission to go ahead and write and publish stories set in their universe (on the assumption that any obscene profits I made would eventually translate into them getting their game published), and they were generous enough (or so broken-down) to give me that permission.

It's a neat universe. They provided me with some basic conceits and general elements, the names of the three major factions and their relationships, and then gave me free reign. In the time I was writing for them, I developed an immense amount of backstory (most of which never even got posted to their website), as well as a "present day" (within the context of the game) storyline concerning goings on in the universe at large.

I might post some clips here, or even make another blog for them, a la Sleeping Kings. We'll see. Anyway, I find it interesting how much my interest has returned to writing in the last year, so that even when I waver (with the exception of that brief tryst with my programming project), I waver toward other good writing.

Wish me luck. I want to finish Sleeping Kings. I want to finish King Jason's War. I want to write The Necessary Lie (my first Eschaton book), and probably the vampire book, too. It should be fun. I'll try to find good ways to share it all with you.

Which reminds me: wasn't I going to design and maintain a webpage? Ugh. So much to do....

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Greatness: Heart's Desire

There's a verse in the Psalms that took me by surprise, first time I read it.

"Delight yourself in the Lord; and he will give you the desires of your heart."

That's Psalm 37:4. It's in a familiar vein, "Ask and you shall receive," and the kid asking his father for a loaf of bread, and even the insistent widow. That's all Jesus, though, right? I mean, he was a generous guy. It struck me, though, reading the psalmist saying the same sort of thing....

Prayer is a serious thing, in the Bible. It's a powerful thing. We are encouraged and ordered to use it. And not just for meditation, not just as an opportunity to spread our lives before God, and hopefully gain a new perspective. We are directly instructed to ask for what we want, because God wants to be our provider. He makes that clear, again and again. Look what he was trying to do in Eden.

That Psalm caught my attention when I was a boy, back when I was about sixteen, and I put it to the test. I felt confident in that time, because I did delight in the Lord, I was certain of that, and more importantly, I knew without a doubt the desire of my heart. And I didn't have it.

So I prayed. I prayed, and in the night I had a dream, a glimpse of the life I wanted to have, years off, and that was enough for me. I took confidence from that moment, and I received what I asked for then.

That was a powerful experience for me.

A prayer isn't a birthday cake wish, y'know? I don't think it needs to be a secret. Sitting in church last Sunday, the man was saying this or that about relying on God, about letting him exercise his power within your life. That's something I believe in, as all of you know. I believe the world is a malleable thing, that reality can be bent for the purposes of God or man. I nodded, understanding and encouraged, even, and suddenly I remembered high school, and that desperate prayer....

I have a heart's desire, in my life today. I have lots of things to ask for (and hope that they will be given). We have a baby on the way, and I want her to be healthy. I want Trish to be healthy through it all, and I worry about that. I want lots of little things, the comforts that require wealth beyond what I already have. I pray a lot. I ask for a lot. But those are just things. Somehow, in my head at least, I've separated such prayers, such petitions, from the sort of desire the psalmist was talking about.

My heart's desire, today and now, is to be a best-selling writer. I want to publish a work, and have it read by the world. I want to write, stories and lessons and snapshots, to show readers what the world was and is and could be. I want my name to be remembered, for the words that I said. I have a message that I want heard, I have talents, gifts, that I want to use. I want the money. Not that -- I want the opportunity. I want my writing to be my life.

I was an A student in elementary school. I was good at everything except multiplication. I could teach myself, given the right books, and I usually managed to get them. I had a lot of plans for the future. For most of my childhood, they had nothing to do with writing.

A lot of you have known me for a long time, but if you haven't heard me tell this story, you don't know this story. That is to say, most of you know me as a writer, but none of you were there, at the crucial moment, when I discovered why I was a writer. Maybe Josh, but no one else.

I was maybe twelve. Probably eleven. We'd had a handful of writing projects over the last year, and I'd done well enough on them (but, then, I did well on all of my projects, as long as they weren't based on multiplication). One day I was thinking through the writing process, though. The actual job description, of the sort of person who writes stories, and I realized it would be a home job. Maybe a nice office, maybe just a pad of paper on the kitchen table, but it would be a home job.

I wanted that, because I wanted to be home for my kids. I wanted to be home with my family, even when I was working. That picture stuck in my head, and I've never shaken it. Even times when I was certain I didn't want kids, it was mostly because of some variation of the disappointment at realizing I wouldn't be able to realize that picture.

I was twelve. That's how I thought when I was twelve. Yeesh.

That's my heart's desire. I have a great job now, a fantastic one, that pays well and demands nothing of me but those things at which I excel, those things I can do easily and quickly and well. Given some of the things that have been discussed recently, it could get even better. And it's a better job than I deserve, considering the effort I've put into it. I chalk that up to a blessing, a gift. I'm in no position to complain, and I realize that.

But my heart's desire is to be a writer, just a writer, completely a writer, for my family. That last bit matters, too. I could have been a starving artist. I could have refused to take a job, and chased after every avenue available to me to get a book sold (in a market that is incredibly difficult to get a foot in the door), but it's about more than that to me. That's why I described my picture, my goal when I was twelve. I want it for my family, not in spite of my family. I want something better than I deserve to have, something I maybe had a shot at in the past, but I've squandered my opportunities. I want something that would completely change my life. I want it as a gift, served up on a silver platter.

Why not? It's happened before.

I do delight in the Lord. Maybe not as loudly as I did back then. Certainly not as dogmatically. But I do. And I crave this, looking through the few short days between now and then, I want this very much. Please, let it be so. Amen.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Journal Entry: September 26, 2006

RAGING FURY!!!!!!

Trish just called. (No, that's not why!)

Right, well, as you all know, we lost our renters in Tulsa a long time ago (however long it's been since the last time I posted -- so, ages). Actually, we lost them a month before that, but it took a month for our rental manager to let us know.

Here's how rental managers work: They take the first month's rent to pay for their advertising, cleaning, repairs costs associated with getting the house rented in the first place. They do all that, tidy the house up, show it to people, and they track down people to rent the place.

Then, when they have renters, they handle any problems that come up. They generally have a few handymen on-call who can do small repairs, and anything beyond that the manager takes care of tracking down repair guys to fix. Now, mind, they don't pay for any of this. And the renters don't pay for any of this. It all comes out of the owner's check. Every month, the renter pays his rent to the manager, the manager takes out 10% to cover his answering phone calls and arranging for repairs, then he takes out any money that went to repairs or whatnot, and if there's anything left over, he sends that to the owner. Bear in mind that, no matter how much the manager sends, the owner has to pay the full mortgage.

When we were unable to sell our Tulsa house, after moving to OKC, we got a rental manager who came highly recommended. It took him about two months to get the house rented out (which is the same as saying we had to pay three months' mortgage (remember he gets the first rent check) with nothing coming back to us. That hurt us financially, but I was getting contract work from Lowrance that cushioned the blow. Around March, when we got our first rent check, I also stopped getting work from Lowrance.

So now here we are. As you know, our renters bugged out sometime in July. We never got an August rent check. We heard from our manager early-August, around the time we were expecting a check, that we wouldn't be getting one, then or for the foreseeable future. He did tell us that the renters had left the house in pretty good shape (thank goodness), and that he'd be getting to work finding us new renters.

Three weeks passed, and when Trish called he said that he'd had a few people interested, but that we would need to put carpet in two rooms to make the house more attractive to renters. He estimated $400. Bear in mind, we're already significantly negative, and he's asking for more money. Trish and I talked about it, came up with a couple workarounds. She knew she'd be going to Tulsa soon, so she decided she'd maybe pick up some carpet scraps (room-size) on the cheap, and we could just lay them in the rooms. Something like that.

Well, it took her longer to get to Tulsa than she expected. Finally happened today, and while she was there, she went by the house. Then she called me.

Apparently, the manager lied to us. The house is a wreck. There's crappy old furniture in some of the rooms, and in the garage. They'd asked permission to paint some of the walls (and we gave them a significant discount on one month's rent to do it themselves) -- Trish says that they only half-finished the painting. They stole the very nice fan from the living room. They left, just, trash all over the floor. Apparently there's old milk cartons in the middle of the living room floor. And, because of the trash, there's roaches all over the place.

Okay, all of that is kind of expected. That's how renters leave a house when they leave, really. But, well, it was expected to be that way when they left, two months ago! Our manager's job is to clean up exactly that sort of stuff. He lied to us, told us it was clean when they left, and then he did nothing for two months to fix it. In the meantime, he's supposed to be showing the house to potential renters, which means he's either failed to do that entirely, or he's been showing it in the state it's in.

That's infuriating.

And I mentioned the bugs, right? The ones that are there because of all the trash left out? That is entirely his fault. That's probably a $150-$200 fumigation bill, that is entirely his fault. And at least two months without rent because he failed to do his job.

Bah. I know, it's whining. I'm sorry for that. I try not to use my blog to complain, unless it's in a philosophical-sounding essay, but this one is just...argh. I'm angry at this guy. He has, personally, deliberately, caused a significant amount of grief to me and to Trish.

Bah! Beh. Angry. Furious. Anyway, we're firing him. That much, of course, that's obvious. Beyond that, I don't know what we can do. We're stuck, once again, in a position where it would be really hard to sell the house (we're already past the end of the season). We can go find another manager, but, y'know, this one came highly recommended. How do we find someone better? Even if we do, or if we try to manage it ourselves, we're still months away from seeing an actual rent check. And it's probably going to cost us (and some subsection of our friends and family, godblessem) a weekend between now and then, whatever "then" is, to get the place fixed up.

Since we hired that rental manager last October, we've had to pay about $7,700 in mortgage. After subtracting his fees (and, remember, first month's rent), we received about $2,600 in rent. If you know us, you know that's not the sort of loss we can just absorb, y'know? And we're looking at it getting worse before it gets better.

Yeah, I'm praying about it. And I'm confident it will work out. God's never let us down, financially, but he doesn't mind letting it get scary, I guess. My parents have never let us down, either. Nor my friends. I've got a great support network, I just hate being a burden on them. On you, basically. Anyway, keep us in your prayers. That's the long and the short of it.

Once I Was a Child (A Poem)

Once I was a Child

Have you ever read The Little Prince?
Or Catcher in the Rye? Or just Jesus' admonition,
"Blessed are these little ones."
There's a purity in joy and hope that only children know.
Crave that peaceful chaos.

I grew older, though, and outgrew those things.
I've grown old enough already to yearn for those lost things.
I cast aside the unassailable might of childhood, but cling, day by day, to all its weaknesses.

I feel, still, like a little child,
Confused, scared, unprepared,
And dropped into a great big world.

Now I'm chasing, every day, after learning, after answers,
After all the things I'll need when I'm grown up....
Then I recall, my heart all gripped in terror, that the time has come and passed.

Oh, I am grown.
I've stepped into my life, put on adulthood like a costume.
It's a role I'm always playing, now.
I tremble, and worry someone will notice, will see through my disguise.

I'm just a child, guessing at my world.
I stumble and I fall, I burn my hand and scrape my knees, every single day.
I hide, from what I am, and from what I am not.

When does that end?
Will I outgrow this, too, or go on faking 'til that role is second-nature?
Will I die a fraud, or someday, old and grey, discover that it's true,
Now, at last, with no one left to listen, that I can truly say,
I am all grown up.

What truly makes me shudder, when I stop and think,
Is all the precious things that I have broken, in the course of this deceit.
Clumsy child, foolish acts, and Mom's fine vase in pieces on the floor.
I do that still, but this is my real life.
I am already there, surrounded by responsibilities my heart can't comprehend.

Though I pretend,
I play the part,
And I'm afraid.

The King, to the Poet (A Poem)

The King, to the Poet

Something happened, when no one was looking.
Quietly, politely, we tore it all down--
Ages old, majestic and mighty, we tore it down to build something new.

Shiny and new.

It was a tapestry once, that told a story around which we built our lives.
It was a mighty whole, a single fabric, built of myriad mysterious pieces.

With the blessing of all (or all but the fringe) we took it apart.

We took the shiny pieces and the pretty pieces and the useful pieces
And put them to work,
Doing our bidding (we once did its), and serving us in strength.

We marvel then at what our lives have become,
All built of artificial fibers and synthetic materials.
Appropriated. Misused.

And what of that old rag, that ancient tapestry?
It's tatters now, of course, torn to shreds and threadbare
All that's left behind.

And those same who plundered it now mock it for all the things it lacks.
For all the holes, for all the inconsistencies and flaws--
For gaps, that they had made.

There are gaps, and holes. Places where things once were,
Where things shiny and things pretty and things useful used to be.
It's not the rag that's torn, though.

The single piece is shattered, scattered, but its fragments still as strong.
Alas, they no longer grow as one.

You see, it was a living thing. It breathed the life of man.
We killed it, for our own ends -- butchered it, for our wealth.
We took its intellect, to make us wise.
We took its heart, to learn some sort of kindness.
We took its soul, to give us more than life.
We took its might, its powers, its strength to change the world, and we made the world we wanted.

We still have all the pieces, and look how much they change our lives.
We killed the thing to get them, though.

We could start anew, of course. Some have tried.
We could make a new fabric, and start the ages-long process of giving it life,
Weave in the first of many threads, and make a gift to our descendants.
We're a world of scavengers, though.
We've made our lives out of plundered parts now, and we're not about to stop.

Start another if you want. It can be done.
But I'll tell you this, my prophecy and sigh:
They'll watch,
And they'll point and laugh,
They'll criticize everything that is not what the old thing was.

Then they'll take everything that's good, and mock you all the more.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Journal Entry: August 11, 2006

Ugh!

We lost our renters in Tulsa.

Seems they disappeared, and their July rent check bounced. That leaves us with no rent check for August (although the mortgage has already come due and been paid), and means that even if our manager there got us new tenants tomorrow, we wouldn't see another check until October (he gets first month's rent as part of his pay for managing things).

The good news is, he's been by the house and he says they left it in pretty good shape. Most times, you don't get that treatment from tenants.

Thursday, August 3, 2006

Words and Meaning

You know what's annoying? In the game "Blackjack," a black Jack is exactly as valuable as any of 14 other cards in the deck. That's 30% of the possible cards.

That's just dumb.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Journal Entry: July 25, 2006

So...yesterday was Trish's birthday. As many of you know, we are excruciatingly broke at the moment, but due to good graces, poor filing, and silly forgetfulness, I stumbled across an uncashed check yesterday (for me, not against me), that allowed for a Trish's birthday party.

Here is what I did:

* I bought her a cake.

* I made steak and potatoes.

Hmm...okay, on paper that doesn't look nearly as impressive....

One of Trish's favorite things in the world is ice cream cake (specifically Dairy Queen ice cream cake). The closest Dairy Queen to Oklahoma City, though, is more than an hour away. I'd intended to go there anyway, as a special treat, but the budget I ended up with for the whole affair would barely have covered the gas.

So I got one from Baskin Robbins, and that was equally delicious! Yay.

And the steaks.... Mmm.... They were good steaks. They turned out just right. I'm aching to get a new grill, but the sad thing is that I'm just now actually getting reasonably good at grilling on this one (after years of burnt hamburger patties and generous friends saying, "No, really, it's delicious" between the crunches and the chipped teeth).

Anyway, steaks were great, mashed potatoes were good, ice cream cake was delicious, and we spent something like five straight hours cuddled on the couch watching Buffy. That was my day yesterday. Pretty freakin' sweet (even though I didn't get any WoW time in).

Oh! And major event today in Sleeping Kings! It's one I've been building up to for a while (in my head, at least, if not in the text). Not a happy event, but I'd say a major one. Poor Josh....

And now I'm torn about where to take the story from here. The story feels like it's about to go one way (Josh's character specifically), while there's about a week's worth of stuff that I have in the outline that would be skipped that way. Not necessarily a bad thing, but I have to weigh it. We'll see what happens, eh?

I'm sleepy. Supposed to go over to Shannon's for dinner tonight, and I think Dan wanted to come over for some Strat or Scholo. He'd better bring a snowcone, is all I'm sayin'.

Hope you're all well. I'm going to go spend my lunch break taking a nap in my car.

Monday, July 24, 2006

FAQ

Q: Will P. F. Chang's leftovers stay fresh in an office mini-fridge for a little over a week?

A: Blech.

(Same for delicious leftover grilled hamburger patties, alas.)

Monday, July 17, 2006

Journal Entry: July 17, 2006

1,000 words a day is taxing.

Hmm...that doesn't quite say it strongly enough. I could just add profanity to spice things up, but instead I'll go into a boring level of detail. I am a true protestant.

See, okay, if I sit down and write a 1,000 word story (or essay), then I'd guess that, if I have a general idea ahead of time, it's going to take about four hours. I can compose and type up 1,000 words in about forty minutes. I've found that to be a pretty solid estimate over the course of the last several weeks.

But it takes time to create. It takes time to build the story pieces, and lay them out in order, and fill in the background, and (my method, at least), I put all those pieces together before I sit down to write.

Now, when it comes to Sleeping Kings, I'd say I spend about eight hours per 1,000 word story. Y'know when you're talking to me on the phone, or in-game, or even in person, and you tell me something really interesting, and I say, "Yeah. Hey, what did you think about Josh stabbing the Queen Mum?" or something like that. That's not precisely because I think your story is boring.

It's that I'm obsessing over Sleeping Kings. I'd feel bad about it, but everyone who's actually reading it is pretty excited about it, so I don't.

Hmm, none of that is really new info. Something that is, though: I've posted a story daily now since May 25th. That's 1,000 words (production) every day for fifty-four days. Yeah, Saturday's was only on Saturday by about five minutes. That's actually what got me thinking about this.

I have never written daily. Never. I've heard that all writers write daily. I got pretty close in college, taking Creative Writing every semester, and making time in my time-rich schedule to write. But even then I didn't do weekends, and only very rarely was a day's writing actually production. Most of the time it was notes, or test material, or even just daydreaming, composing, without any words on paper.

One of my goals, back then, was 1,000 words on paper, every weekday. I know for a fact I never hit it, even for two weeks at a time. Closest I came was when I was rewriting Taming Fire, and I'd get on a tear and do four or five chapters at once. But I wouldn't even count that. That's rewrite, not original production.

Of course, as most of you know, I got worse, not better. The whole time I was in Tulsa, I never wrote anything close to a schedule. I'd get the fever for one project or another, and work on that project (and rarely finish), but I never wrote to the calendar.

I'm there, now. Want to know something sad? I think it's sad, anyway. I can't begin to explain why I'm there now. I could name a couple things, little things, but I won't. One day I dusted off the scrawny handful of pages that were the three-year-old introduction to Sleeping Kings, and I posted them on a website, and I just kept going.

It's not easy to write every day. I would encourage all of you to do it, writers or not. Writing is a good discipline. It teaches you to be a better person (I've said that before). It teaches you to be in your world, and to be aware of your world. Even if you're just blogging, journaling, emailing Mom. Whatever it is, write every day.

That's most of my Me. It sounds like something else, but that's my journal for the last week or so, everything I haven't said about what's going on in my life. What's going on, is 1,000 words a day. You'd be amazed how much of my life is wrapped up in that right now. Well, unless you know me, in which case you already know.

Here are some things that have happened, that I should have been paying more attention to:

Brad wrote me, again, after three months of silence following the last email he wrote me. He found my blogs, and he wrote me, and I took forever to respond. I finally did, though. He wants to come visit. I can't say how excited I am at the idea. Yay!

(I continue to have not written Bruce, and my shame piles up. Yea, verily, I am scum.)

Daniel's back from Europe. Hoo-ah! I believe I've already been insulted and flipped off, so life is back to normal. Yay!

We're hosting Trish's two nephews, Tweedle Owen and Tweedle Sloan. Thirteen and eleven, give or take. They're good kids. I kinda dreaded the idea at first, but it's been good. I'm glad Trish has had this opportunity, and I've enjoyed getting to know them better, too. I just hope they're not sick of me shushing them.

One of my secret projects draws near to a close (or at least a functional Release Version, with GUI updates to follow), and I am beginning to urge my evil cohorts to begin on another secret project, with which I am almost as obsessed as I am with Sleeping Kings. Which makes sense, as the two are rather related. Alas, no details yet, as it would be boring without illustrations, and the illustrations are, themselves, the result of the secret project. I'll keep you posted, once it's interesting.

I suppose that's all. I have something I want to tell you, about Archetypes and Social Construction, but that will be a post of its own. Good day. Smile, if you've got anything to smile for.

Tuesday, July 4, 2006

Journal Entry: July 4, 2006

Happy Independence Day!

I woke up this morning to a cat with an impressive set of lungs on it. Hmm...okay, some of the more literal ones among you are going to be thinking unpleasant things, so I should be entirely clear: it was yowling for some breakfast. At 6 AM. While I'm on vacation. I woke up, and it showed me where they keep the food, so I fed it.

That's my morning routine back home, anyway.

Then I didn't go back to bed, even though I wanted to (also part of my morning routine). I opened up Trish's laptop, and posted today's story on Sleeping Kings, and checked my email. I had a really kind email from Bruce.

(I mean to write a post on here sometime telling the story of how I met Bruce, how he became my king, and how he moved all over the world like the police van in a game of Carmen Sandiego.)

I am on vacation, by the way. Did everyone know that? I ended up getting four days for the weekend (by way of using a day's vacation on Monday), and Heather and Graham had invited everyone to their new home in St. Louis for the Fourth, and we, as a family, have been doing a pretty serious (as in, I can't get out of it) family reunion sort of a holiday on the Fourth for the last several years so, all of those independent clauses combined, Trish and I drove up to St. Louis Friday night. And here we are.

I have to be back at work tomorrow morning, so we're actually missing all the Fourth of July stuff. We're heading home right after lunch today. But, yeah, I've been away for the last three days, in case anyone has missed me.

I have this to say: children are noisy things. They are active things. I am neither of those things. Big sigh.

I'll see you tomorrow. Read Sleeping Kings.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Journal Entry: June 29, 2006

Y'know how I once said that days off during the week have a ridiculously high chance of going bad?

I took the day off yesterday, mostly to hang out with Trish, partly (and specifically) because we had to go to a closing on the refinancing of our house. Well, that last bit was the part that went bad, this time. It was a tiny portion of the day, really, but it went really bad.

In other news, I saw a snake on the drive in to work this morning!

It was...I mean, massive. I work at the Mike Monroney Aeronautical Center, which is this huge sprawling campus with dozens of buildings, connected with city streets (and way too many stop signs). I was already inside the gates, driving 25 mph down one of these connecting streets toward my building, and in the other lane I saw a huge snake slithering toward the curb. There's a grassy area out there, and I assume it was heading for cover. I thought about turning around and running it over, but that seemed too cruel.

But...yeah. Big ol' snake. Yeesh. And that's my walking route, too, when I walk on my lunch break.

I have...well, at the moment I have three stories that I really want to tell: King Jason's War, Sleeping Kings, and Faithful Jake. I don't know if I'll ever actually do a decent version of Faithful Jake. It seems like it might be too heavy for any kind of audience I could write it for. It strikes me as a powerful story, though.

I have about a dozen stories that I really want to write -- the distinction being, these would be more fun for me, even if they'd be less valuable to my readers: The First Myth, Order Knight, Taming Fire and its sequels, someday. Taming Fire is done, after a third rewrite, and at this point I want to rewrite it again into something almost completely different. I'd almost be willing to drop it, like I did my sixth grade stories, but I want to do so much with the sequels, with Daven's family down the line, and readers will probably want to know where he came from. On that note: The Rise and Fall of the FirstKing, or whatever I actually call it. Probably a three-book cycle, but maybe I'd make it one. Somewhere in with that, a book about the Dauric-Elven war, in which the FirstKing's mother died, the city of Elspaur was ransacked, and the FirstKing's ire was first awakened.

There's also my sci-fi, which I'd like to pursue. I got permission to keep working on (and try to publish, even) the stuff I came up with for Eschaton, back in the day. I really liked the world I'd made, the different factions and the underlying mythos. I've got another story idea I like, in a much closer future, about human immortality and nanotech. That could be fun. And there's the Twilight Zone story I mentioned the other day. The one with Idiene.

Is there anything else? I'd kind of like to rewrite The Poet Alexander someday (the story from which I got the username that I use for this blog, and used forever for all my email accounts). And my sixth grade stories...well, I lied when I said I'd dropped those. The story was originally called The Scorekeeper, and more recently The Watcher or maybe The Watcher of the Winds, but that gives entirely the wrong idea. And the focus has changed, considerably, since I first conceived the idea, so it's no longer about the Watcher, but about the characters that he inspires to save the world. The...err...four characters, youngish, all with their lives suddenly interrupted, who go about trying to make the world a better place, in the midst of a terrible war....

Aww, man! That's Sleeping Kings. I just noticed that. Grr. Well, but with more magic. And dragons. Which is probably why I gave up on it. It's hard for me to write magic and dragons anymore, because the people I want to talk to are the ones who aren't interested in that sort of thing. The doctor and the sick people, style of thing.

Anyway, those are some things.

Monday, June 26, 2006

Greatness: Books of Legacy (or "On Fatherhood")

When I was...I dunno, fifteen or so, my family took a long summer road trip. We'd often done summer road trips as a family for my whole life. This one was the whopper, and my parents had probably been planning it for years.

Trish and I were dating at the time, and I faced the terrifying prospect of being away from her for ten days straight. No phone calls, nothing.

I hated it. I resented it. I...even then, I saw it as a matter of perspective. I sat back and looked at the situation from my perspective (where it was a really big deal), and I could see that, from my parents' perspective, being away from a girl I didn't really date yet, for less than two weeks, wasn't that big a deal.

But I was outraged by it. I came up with an idea, and I put it immediately into practice. I wrote Dad a furious letter, telling him exactly how I felt, exactly how important that summer time with Trish was to me, and how much it hurt that I had to be away from her. That wasn't exactly the idea, though. My idea was to keep writing letters like this, to write Dad every time I had something important, something dramatic that I wanted to say to him -- to write it down, and keep them all together, and save that until I had a son of my own. Then read them all, because that would be exactly the words I needed to hear.

I didn't stick to it. I wrote only that one letter. The reason was this: well, first, I really don't stick to very many of my ideas. More importantly, though, everything I had to say in those letters was negative. Because anything positive I had to say, I just said. I've usually been pretty good about that. So it would have just been a bunch of whiny letters in poor penmanship.

There are ways in which I really wish I'd followed that through. There would have been some valuable lessons in there, and some powerful reminders. Mostly they'd probably be reminders about what a whiny brat I was, but even those have their value.

Sometime in college, I got an idea for something similar. I think Daniel or Toby, or someone, was telling me about a cultural group that had this practice, but it might have been an original idea....

Anyway, okay, I'll tell it in story form, because that's what I do.

Within the history of my fantasy world, there comes eventually a line of kings known as the Davinic Kings -- these are the heirs of Daven, centuries later, who reunite and rule over the FirstKing's old realm, and it's a time of prosperity and happiness. They are legendary kings (as the similarity of the name would imply).

And I decided that, among themselves, this family of kings would have a practice of writing Books of Legacy. Each king, when he first learned that he was going to have a child, would write a book containing all of his wisdom, all of his experience -- everything he truly wanted to teach his son. He would spend the nine months or so writing down his message to his son. When his son reached the age of maturity, his father would give him the book, and perhaps teach it to him.

I thought how cool it would be to write those books, to write the collected teachings that each of these great and powerful men (while they were still young) would like to pass on to their sons and heirs. How much could you say, how much imply, about a character and his world, within that particular framework?

I didn't follow through on that. I have a few notes scribbled in one of my scribblebooks that I'd intended as some of the bits of wisdom, and I stumbled across those on Sunday morning. Of course, those are only three years old or so, and they already strike me much the same way that my high school rants at my dad would, if I still had those.

And I think that would be a big part of the message. It's amazing how much we change, from day to day, and I think that's one of the most awesome things about writing, about setting down, at one time, a whole world, that may seem entirely alien when we look back on it tomorrow. Because we carry our memories with us, and modify them, in subtle ways, to match the world we're living in now. It's nice to have something, some hint or snapshot, showing the world as it was, then.

It can be embarrassing. It can be really embarrassing. But that's part of the process, innit? That's the price a writer pays, to do this remarkable thing.

Journal Entry: Big News

Well...I guess now I'll have something else to talk about all the time.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Journal Entry: June 22, 2006

It seems like all I talk about lately is Sleeping Kings. I guess I should feel bad about that, but...I dunno. I haven't written in so long. And now, this story has me writing again, and remembering why I used to call myself a writer.

Let me tell you, it has nothing to do with my day job.

I once wrote, in a poem, "I write to make a perfect world with words." That's funny, under the current circumstances, since (as any of you reading Sleeping Kings knows) I'm in the process of destroying the United States. It's really pretty miserable for everyone involved.

Trish's...great second cousin (or something like that) passed away last weekend. She decided to go up to Wichita for the funeral, to be with her family (her Mom in particular). I didn't really have the leave, and Trish didn't feel it was crucial that I be there, so I stayed home and worked on Wednesday.

Tuesday night I mostly hung out with Kris and Nicki. We went to some Buffalo Wild Wings for dinner (I had a burger), and I spent the entire time talking about my story. I kept thinking, "Okay, enough, talk about something else."

I didn't, though.

So, yeah, same sort of thing is going on here, and I apologize. But, as then, I probably won't actually change my ways. Sorry.

Also played some WoW with Kris on Tuesday, checked out the new content patch, and then watched Undercover Brother, which I'd gotten him for his birthday. That was a lot of fun. Lynchburg Lemonades helped. I don't know where Kris learned to make them so well, but he does a fantastic job. Have him make you one sometime. Delish.

And yesterday I worked, and got a day ahead on Sleeping Kings for the first time, and spent all afternoon wanting to post the story I'd just written (the one that's up there now, as today's post). Knowing that I have readers actively following the story, it kills me that I have stuff written that I'm not sharing. I've got a lot of notes I wrote to myself about what's going to happen in the story, long-term, and I keep wanting to share those, too, even though they'd be major spoilers.

I'm having to fight down the urge, all the time.

Y'know...I used to feel this way all the time. I don't really know why I stopped writing. I have some suspicions, and none of them are things I can really control. Which is sad, because it means it could happen again, tomorrow or next week or a year from now. I love it when I'm writing, though. I want to keep it up.

Tonight, I'm going over to Kris's to play some WoW with everybody (that being Graham, Jeff, Dad, and Kris, natch). Daniel's not in the list because he's in Europe, but I think you all knew that.

I've been having trouble caring about WoW lately. Kris has never played a lot, and he's been even busier than normal lately. I've got all my characters I care about up to 60 (the level limit), and am close to getting some I don't care about there, too. And I just don't think I'd enjoy much of the stuff to do at the end-game. Also, I lost a massive amount of money (in-game) on what should have been a safe investment. So I'm broke, and don't have much to do, and Daniel and Kris aren't playing much.

I dunno. There's still other reasons to play, but too often when I log into the game, I've just got nothing to do. So I log back out, but I've got nothing else to do. So I log back in. That's most of my free time, for the last couple weeks.

I'm looking forward to Heroes of Might and Magic V, which might be out already. That could be fun, but I think it's not an MMO, so I can't see really getting into it. I'd still like to try Savage, but it came out just before WoW, and WoW distracted me, and by now it's probably kinda outdated. I don't really know of anything else on the horizon.

Life is weird. There's so much, and then there's so much. You look around, and it's full of other new things, and they're all familiar, but if you look close, they're completely different.

I'm just sayin', is all.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Copyright and Me!

Copyright is a tricky thing....

The basic idea is that, by law, you automatically own copyright to anything you create. If I write a poem on a napkin, that poem is copyrighted and I own the copyright.

But what does that really mean?

That means I, alone, have the right to produce, publish, copy, or otherwise distribute the story that I've written. If anyone else does, I have the government's support in suing the offender for any damages I may have suffered (or unlawful gains he may have gotten).

The thing is, the government doesn't enforce this. They'll support me, if I try to enforce my own copyright, but the government doesn't actively enforce anyone's copyrights.

To make things more complicated, any copyright that is not aggressively defended by its holder will quickly become public domain. That means if somebody steals my idea and starts reproducing it, I can make them stop, but I have to make them stop. The government won't do it for me. And if I don't make them stop, then pretty soon I'll lose the right to do even that.

The process of making them stop requires some sort of proof of original concept. That's where a lot of people get confused. If I send a cease and desist letter to someone trying to use my story, they might just fire back and tell me to stop using their story, and then we go to court and each try to prove that we started it.

To that end, it's possible to register a story with the Library of Congress, which is considered pretty definite proof of concept in any U. S. court. That's about a $250 proposition, if I remember correctly.

I've also heard that a reliable (and much cheaper) way to do this is to mail yourself a copy of the story, and not open it. The fact that it's in a sealed package with a government time-stamp on it makes it a pretty definite piece of evidence. I have no idea if that's actually true, but I've heard it often.

So, here's the problem with Sleeping Kings. For one, if anyone started to steal it, it would take a while before I found out, most likely, and then I'd have to enlist the aid of a lawyer to try to shut them down (and hope that I could establish proof of originality).

Worse, much worse, would be if someone stole the whole story, submitted it to a publishing house, and successfully sold it. I would hate for someone else to get professionally published off my work, when I haven't. And, of course, I wouldn't know about that at all until the book came out. Then I could try suing, but I'd be going up against a major publishing house, and they've got good lawyers, y'know? My only real hope then would be to have registered the story with the Library of Congress before the date that the thief entered into negotiations with the publisher.

(Although, if that happened, I'd probably get a lot of money. I doubt the story would ever get published at that point, though, even under my name.)

Ah. And that's the other problem. Even if no one ever messes with me or steals my story, it's going to be really hard for me to ever get Sleeping Kings professionally published. Because it already is published.

See, the way an author makes money off his ideas, is to sell his copyright. As I said earlier, for anything I write, I automatically get the right to produce, publish, copy, or otherwise distribute it. The big money is in "first North American distribution rights." I sell that right to the publisher for a big wad of cash (or a residual contract), and he uses it to print up and distribute copies of my original work. If it sells big, then someday I might want to sell reprint rights, or international rights, or franchise rights (if someone wants to start a series set in my universe).

The internet makes things tricky, though. A publisher could try to argue that this story that I've put up on my website is already published, and so he might consider "first North American distribution rights" already used, and his only offer is going to be for reprints, which don't sell for nearly as much money.

The long and the short of it is that I'm aware of all these things going into the project. Sleeping Kings is not much like anything else I've written, or anything else I ever intend to write. It could get stolen from me, and then I'd have a good sad story to put in my autobiography. It could become huge but, because of the way I managed things, I may never make a penny off it. Or it could just be a quiet little weblog, that no one ever reads, and still I can't sell it because the publisher learns it was posted at all.

Copyright is a tricky thing. I do reserve all rights to everything I post, here or on Sleeping Kings. To an extent, though, I need to be read to keep writing, and if major publishing houses aren't willing to pick my stuff up, I've got to do something. That's what I'm trying. We'll all watch and see what happens.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Journal Entry: June 19, 2006

Back to work.

Yesterday was a good weekend. Actually, taken in combination with the better aspects of Saturday (and ignoring the worse ones), I'd go so far as to say I had a really good weekend.

I'm excited about Sleeping Kings. In the past, I've said that because I was just excited that it was still going, that I was still writing daily. Now, I'm more excited about the story itself, and how the characters are coming together and the story is starting to pick up pace.

Y'know... I was talking to Nicki about this before, when she asked me why I stopped writing Sleeping Kings three years ago. It was always an idea I liked. And I've always thought it would be fun to write a serial novel.

I worked on one for an ex-girlfriend, actually. I think about that, from time to time. Girl I dated in high school, I would write her four pages every day, and slip them into her locker on my way out of school (for some reason, she stayed later than I did).

I kept that up for the entire time we were dating. She loved the story. We broke up, it was kinda ugly (I brought the drama, go fig), and then I never really talked to her again. Oh! No, this isn't Lindsey. All of the above was true for Lindsey, too, but I never wrote her a story.

Anyway, I'd given her my only copy of the story, handwritten as I went. I don't remember anything about the story now. I don't know if I'd try to rewrite it if I did. But...yeah. That was my first attempt at a periodic novel.

My second was Sleeping Kings. If you noticed, reading the prologue, I got about five installments done. About 2-3 pages per installment. That...that's really not very much. That's maybe an afternoon's work, if I'd done it all at once.

That's pretty sad.

Here's the thing about periodic novels: it takes a lot out of you, every single day (or week, or month, depending on the periodicity). Yeah, sure, a couple of my favorite authors wrote periodic novels. They also got paid for them. I can emulate them out of academic and professional interest, y'know, because it's cool, but I don't have newspapers looking to support an author for a weekly contribution the way they did.

So, the point is, from now on it's going to cost you $4.95 every time you access Sleeping Kings. Sorry, but it had to be done.

*Sigh.*

No, not really. That would be way cool, but no. Actually, what I was going to say, is that this time part of what I'm getting out of it is just the process of writing. It had been so long since I really wrote, that I do, to a big extent, feel like getting something published (albeit in a cheap and easy medium) is its own reward, to an extent.

The other thing I'm taking in payment is feedback. Comments. So when I'm bugging you for a response, try to remember that the response is much of what keeps me going. I'm not just trying to be annoying -- knowing (or imagining) that I have readers out there anxiously wondering what's going to happen today is a big part of what makes me post something today.

Also...I commented to Heather earlier about this. I'm trained -- college-educated -- to take any kind of feedback at all, and make the most of it. So don't feel like there's any burden on you to say something special, or something important. Just say anything at all. Whatever you're feeling after you read a post, that's useful information to me.

Beh. I don't mean to sound like I'm coming here begging. Just wanted to share a little insight into my process.

Also: I really hope you like the story. Deep down, I do. Who doesn't want to be liked, y'know?

Other notes:

Nacho Libre is fantastically good. Go see it, for yeah. Funny. Worth a laugh. On a similar note, Mom and Dad insist that you should go see Over the Hedge. I haven't been an obedient son yet, though, so I can't confirm or deny their praise.

*Spoilers* Nate dies in Act II. It's very sad.

Oh. So, like, three years ago, I spent several months writing a lot of Python scripts for our modded XBoxen. They were moderately useful. The most useful things I made were an emulator so other developers could write XBox scripts on their computers, and a detailed, formally laid-out tutorial for new developers wanting to know how to write Python scripts for XBox. I actually took an existing one, that was very poor English and miserably laid-out, and just tech-writed it.

Anyway, I put these up on my cheesy free website provided by Cox, and out of curiosity I got a counter, and for the four to six months I was working on it, I was getting around ten thousand hits a month, on average.

That's kind of a lot, for a little thing like that.

Anyway, when we moved, it got chopped down. That was sad, but it had been years since I did anything with it, so I just thought, "Aww, how sad for them," and forgot about it.

It just occurred to me today, on the drive in to work, that I could really easily re-create the same email address I'd used then, post all of the old website up to the automatically-created cheesy free website, and the entire site would be available again, at the exact same address.

Took me about twenty minutes, and now all those years-old links still work, and everything. I'm glad I did that. Yay me.

That's all.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Journal Entry: Home Safe

I'm home safe, everyone.

You can knock off the prayer chains and stuff.

Journal Entry: June 17, 2006

Good morning!

I'm doing a lot better today. I can't really say why, but yesterday afternoon went a lot better than I'd expected. I watched some standup, which almost always puts me in good spirits, and then my inner demon/angel combo talked me into going to Bennigans and getting a steak and a margarita.

Actually, I had a hot turkey sandwich and a couple Lynchburg lemonades, but the effect was the same. I also took my notebook with me, and anyone reading Sleeping Kings probably already knows that I got about twelve pages written on the unfinished prologue. That had been hanging over my head for about four years now, so getting that done was probably a major part of the pick-me-up.

And then I came back to my hotel room and watched four hours of standup. Fell asleep to the familiar sounds of Jim Gaffigan riffing on Mexican food. It was a great night.

Now, I'm just wishing I was already home. Today's timetable is going to be pretty weird. I have about two hours left before I need to check out. I'm probably playing WoW until then. I should be writing on Sleeping Kings, but I can't, for reasons I explained over there.

Then we're grabbing lunch, driving into Detroit, and probably dropping off the car and going to the airport. I'm still not 100% on that, though. See...we only have one car, and it's in my name. Laveta flies home at 3:00, so she needs to be at the airport at 2:00. I couldn't get the same flight, so (as you know) I'm leaving at 7:00. So if I go ahead and go to the airport with Laveta, that puts me there four hours early. Blech.

I'd do it, just for simplicity's sake, except it means that, come dinner time, I'll be stuck at the airport. I hate airport food. Sure, yeah, it's exactly the same as my favorite food when I'm not at the airport, but when I'm there, I hate it. Couldn't tell you why.

I'll probably just go to the airport, buy access to the wireless network there, and spend the afternoon writing or playing WoW. That's what I expect. We'll see what actually happens.

Have a great Saturday, people.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Greatness: Story Idea

I took a nap and had a dream.

It was mainly about a little girl, named Ideine, who had a bunch of friends, but wasn't happy. The actual scene in the dream was kinda something out of Buffy, and the girl was kinda Willow (but, to all of that, not really).

The story would start, "Ideine sat alone, and cried."

Sometime in the past, an old man gave her a penny and he said, all sad, "You get everything you ask for, and you lose everything you want." And it was true. The rest of her life, from that point, went exactly like that. Those became the natural laws of her reasonable, ordered, rational universe.

She became a kind of Cassandra, although she had been given no powers. She learned how to know what the universe would be, to see the future, simply by extrapolating based on her two natural laws: "You get everything you ask for, and you lose everything you want."

Umm...it probably wouldn't be a very happy story.

Journal Entry: June 16, 2006

Blar.

I had a late night last night. Finally fell asleep about three-thirty-two-thirty-central. No coffee, last night or this morning. Just...things on my mind.

I spent a few hours last night reading The Invented Reality (a book I mentioned in Sleeping Kings, that I just happened to have on my bookshelf). It's really good. You should all read it! Well, only the smart ones among you, actually.

Hmm...that's not quite fair. I really should have said "the academic ones," because it's a very academic book. Feels kinda post-graduate level to me, but I'm only in the first essay. Fascinating stuff, though.

I've got a headache this morning. Probably has something to do with last night....

Okay, so, through work I get $60 a day for meals and incidentals, whether or not I actually spend that much. That can make for some pretty nice meals on travel, but unfortunately I was able to get that money as a travel advance, and I've long-since spent my per diem to pay for, y'know, mortgages and electric bills.

That's probably a good thing. I mean, it's not as though I need steaks and margaritas every night on travel, but it would help fill the quiet hours, knowwhatImean?

Oh! Got my numbers wrong, too. I don't get home at 7:00 tomorrow -- my flight leaves Detroit at 7:00. With the time change, I get in at 9:30. Bah.

Bah. Not in a good mood today. I did get done with my course around 11:30, and the rest of today is an optional review session which I don't need to attend. Good, in that I'm not bored in the classroom, listening to the teacher lady chatter. Bad, in that now I'm just gonna spend the next twenty-four hours bored in my hotel room, instead.

Back to the not-quite-playing-WoW-or-reading-or-watching-TV-or-whatever state. I dunno why I'm in a funk, but I am quite thoroughly in a funk. Gonna go get some Taco Bell, maybe. Who knows, maybe I'll win the El Presidente contest and get a million pesos. That would lift my spirits more than somewhat....

Live well. Seriously, I do command it.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

FAQ

I know some of you are wondering, "Will one of those crappy little mini-fridges that they have in hotel rooms keep a half-gallon of ice cream frozen?" Wonder no more!

The answer is, "Probably, as long as the cleaning ladies don't flip the switch that shuts off power to all the room's outlets when they're cleaning the room at noon, and you don't get back from your training until about five in the evening, at which point it's just mush."

Or, in my particular case, Fat Free, Sugar Free, Slightly Vanilla-flavored Mush, with Splenda™.

I tried to make a float out of it, in much the same way that old ladies will make a pudding out of clearly rotted bananas, with, like, maggots crawling out of them and stuff. The result was...well, pretty much what you'd expect.

God and Greatness: The Writing Process, and Censorship

My older sister Heather has started reading Sleeping Kings, and she somehow stumbled across this website (and pity to her for that), and she read and responded to my post on The DaVinci Code (something none of you regulars were brave enough to do!).

That conversation was here:
http://www.xanga.com/alexpoet/487784416/greatness-the-power-of-the-written-word.html

I started to reply to her comment, and in my reply I said some things that I wanted everybody to hear, so I'm making a new post instead of a comment.

Now, in response to Heather's direct questions, I have this to say: don't ever feel guilty about writing something inconsequential. My complaints against The DaVinci Code were based on the fact that he wrote something extremely consequential and treated it as though it weren't. It is hard to go too far in that direction (pretending your stuff matters).

In fact, I think the most important element for a writer is to care, which you (Heather) obviously do.

There are writers who write just to play with language (think Alice in Wonderland), or just to tell an interesting story. That's okay, as long as you're writing insignificant things (or things clearly established as fictional, which is the difference between, say, Kate and Leopold and The Patriot). The DaVinci Code goes out of its way to seem real, while playing extremely fast and loose with the base elements of people's worlds (as one would expect from fantasy).

Mainly, it's important that you, as a writer, try to write responsibly. Sometimes you'll do a good job of it, sometimes you'll make mistakes. Both aspects are important to your learning process (and, as a direct result, to your eventual potential to do good).

Please don't misunderstand me. Every story should be interesting. Most of them should be entertaining. Those aren't inherently bad things, but when you're writing (or reading) just to get that feeling, it becomes like eating just for the taste (and ignoring the far more important aspects of nutrition).

Like anything, though, the learning process is not the same as the master craft. My advice to you, now, is to focus on the stories you most want to tell, for whatever reason. Every single page you write at this point benefits you in a dramatic way. As a writer, and as a person. Writing, no matter what the topic, is a process that involves examining the world you live in, finding your place within it, as well as the place of your topic, and trying to understand and communicate. These are the most basic elements of human existence, and the foundation of human society. So, yeah, I realize I'm a writer and this sounds self-aggrandizing, but the very process of writing makes a person better at being a person.

Not necessarily a good person. That depends on what you're writing, and what you're thinking, and all of that.

Now...as to that. Heather asked me specifically which stories to tell, what lessons to teach. And, again, my answer for someone just starting to write is, "Anything that interests you enough to keep writing about it." Once you've gotten past that, though -- once you've learned to commit yourself to writing in order to get something accomplished, then the process of choosing which story to tell is no different from choosing anything else you could communicate in any other medium. On this point, I'd like to mention something Milton once wrote.

Milton (of Paradise Lost fame, and the author of the bulk of our religious imagery and mythology) became involved in a massive political debate on the topic of censorship. He wrote a fairly well-known (to Lit majors, that is) essay on the topic, which he published as part of the debate.

I should mention that he was an extremely conservative Christian. He held fairly extreme opinions on the idea of obscenity, and it's safe to say that he was on the "against" side. When the king began taking serious steps in support of censorship, though, Milton strongly opposed him. Milton was a man of considerable social influence at the time (so there was no chance his opposition would go unnoticed), and, yeah, this was that time in history when opposing a king was still a Very Bad Idea.

So Milton, a total prude of a man, risked life and limb to oppose censorship. His reasoning went thus:

* We, as Christians, believe that good is good, in itself, not just because of our belief and support.

* We believe that good is stronger than evil, that right will triumph over wrong.

* Therefore, any idea or message that is right should win out over a message that is wrong, in a state of free competition.

* It follows, then, that any message that cannot stand without our protection is not entirely right. If we have to force an idea (or protect it from attack or ridicule), then it is not of God. It is not right.

* It also follows that any message we know to be wrong should be exposed to public scrutiny, rather than hidden from it, so that the idea can be destroyed in free competition (or, perhaps, proven right in spite of our expectations). If the idea, freed from censorship, stands against our wishes, that means the idea is not as wrong as we wanted to believe.

* Right and wrong are not a matter of our comfort, or our preference. After all, Jesus said a lot of things that a lot of strongly religious people wanted to keep quiet. Part of the reason we believe today, is because Jesus' ideas were able to stand the test of time.

Okay, I studied that essay about six years ago, and I've thought about it a lot since then, so I don't know 100% how much of that logic was Milton's, and how much of it is mine, derived from Milton's basic points. I think it's got a lot going for it.

One thing that I know he said, and that I cannot possibly overstate, is that -- based on these other ideas -- the Christian as a reader ought to strive to become exposed to absolutely as many ideas as possible, so as to learn about right and wrong, so as to test them. We earnestly believe that good will triumph over evil, and every time we try to protect good, to hide the right from the ravages of wrong, we deny our own belief -- we show clearly that we don't have faith in right's rightness.

Journal Entry: June 15, 2006

Trish's laptop doesn't have enough RAM.

Umm...if you know what I mean?

So, I brought the laptop with me so I can play some WoW while I'm alone at night (oh, man, the inuendos just don't stop!). Unfortunately, it just barely runs WoW at all. I made some plans with the guys last night for a late-night instance run, and then I had to cancel on them because I couldn't even stay in game.

Kris is apparently having the same problem, but for entirely different reasons.

So, I keep thinking that since WoW won't work I should just write. Or read. Or program. Or watch TV. Or a movie.

Problem is, I'm very unfocused. Spacey, even. I just move from thing to thing. I think I might have figured out part of the reason for that last night. I've spent the whole week here drinking 3-5 cups of coffee a day. I dunno, it's just something I do on travel. It is just something I do on travel. I normally don't drink coffee at all.

So I'm probably just major buzzing on caffeine. I told Kris I'd lay off coffee today, but I did have a cup with breakfast. Just one so far today, though....

Speaking of chemically altered, I decided a couple weeks ago that I'd pick up a bottle of wine while I was here and have a glass every night. I've been doing that, too. What with the other things going on in my head, mebbe I shouldn't be, but I've actually really been enjoying it. It's been way too long since I've had wine around on any kind of a regular basis. I need to start doing that again. Of course, first I have to win the lottery.

Also, I think I mentioned last night that my current class is moving too slowly for me. Because of that, I ran up to the store last night and grabbed a notebook, so I can write some during the slower parts of the course.

Here's what I learned today: I no longer have writer's calluses. (Callouses?) When you write with a thin pencil or pen a lot, you get a callus on your middle finger where you rest the pen. I spent elementary and middle school with these long, thick, red calluses all along the middle finger on my left hand, because that was pretty much the only way I wrote, and I wrote a lot. Then, around the first of high school, I started word processing. Now, I have no calluses at all. And this morning's class was really slow.

And...ow.

One other thing: I had a chicken sandwich from Burger King for lunch. Sooooo good. Have one soon. That is all.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Journal Entry: June 14, 2006

Okay, I'm going to try to start writing more of a journal here, because I really can't keep my friends and family updated with emails to any extent, and because I've started writing all my good ideas into Sleeping Kings, instead of writing essays about them here.

I'm still sticking with the G, G, and G tags when I do write essays (and I'm sure I'll keep doing that). I'm just adding a "Journal Entry" tag, which means I'm just writing boring news about my boring life.

So enjoy!

I'm in Ann Arbor at the moment, on training for work. We've got a major project under way, in which we're converting all of our thousands and thousands of pages of decades old documentation into an interactive digital format (an IETM, or Interactive Electronic Technical Manual).

To make it interactive, we've hired a couple of very impressive companies to take what are essentially paper documents and write a whole layer of XML over the top of the content describing all the parts and making them work. Very fancy stuff, and it has certainly impressed the people who will be using the documents. It was also not, by any means, a cheap process.

So now they're handing that work over to us, and we've got to maintain the documents they gave us, and integrate any future documents into the system, so I'm getting to learn XML on the government dime. Thus, my trip here. I'm learning a really cool editing tool designed to simplify the process of writing good XML, and writing it well.

The training has been interesting. I had a one-day class called "Understanding XML and SGML," an introductory course explaining what this stuff is. That was Tuesday. I thought it would be dreadfully dull, since I already knew all about those things, but he put it into context in a powerful way, and it was actually a really good course.

The rest of my week I'm in a class called "Authoring with Epic Editor," learning to use the actual program, which is the bit I was excited about. Actually, turns out this class is as bad as I expected the other one to be. I suppose what I needed was a 1-day course teaching the things we're going to be learning over 3 days. Alas. Not an option.

Anyway, that's all. Michigan is beautiful. Everything is green, there's a slight overcast all the time, and the weather is a comfortable 70-something. It's awesome. Also having a better time than I did in Seattle simply because my hotel is very close to lots of places (and by that I mean Taco Bell and McDonalds, not, like, national monuments or places of interest). So, convenient location, free breakfast, and my evenings free. That's pretty good.

Other than that, not much interesting news at the moment. Last weekend Trish was in Dallas on a family scrapbooking trip, which went well, but I'll leave that to her to detail.

I'm excited about Sleeping Kings. I've gotten some great feedback, and against all odds I've managed to keep writing daily. Of course, I could stop at any point, but I'm just impressed I got this far. I hope to start doing something similar with King Jason's War when I get home.

That'll be Saturday, 7-ish, by the way. In case you were wondering.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Journal Entry: On Travel for Work

Ross: Baby and eagle, still ablaze, swirl around the whirlpool that has become of the apartment.

Rachel: Boy are you going to be sorry if that's true.

Thank goodness for TBS, when away from home and TiVo. KnowhwatImean?

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Journal Entry: A Fantastic Story Idea

Okay, I was thinking of this on the drive in to work this morning....

What if the patriarchs from the Old Testament were gnomes? Eh? Eh???

No, no, I'm not suggesting they were (but I would be, in the story). Little tiny gnomes who can reasonably live 800 years, and for whom the whole world flooding wouldn't, necessarily, involve Earth's very atmosphere catching on fire from the heat exchange. That sort of thing.

Could be fun. I'm thinking that they lived in the same region as the Hebrews, and interacted with them to some small degree, and that the scrolls Josiah (Josiah being a real-life big person) found in the temple were actually a transcription of the gnomes' history, but he mistook it as his own people's history.

Ooooh...that could be a lot of fun.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Journal Entry: Holiday Weekend

Just got back from a three-day weekend spent with family. Trish and I had off work yesterday, so we drove to Little Rock Friday night after work, and just got home late last night.

It was a good weekend. Shannon and Jeff were there, and Sophie was more smiley than usual, so that was cute. Jeff and I brought out computers, so the weekend was mostly WoW (and Mom got in her second instance run when we took three low-40s characters through ZF Sunday night -- that was wild). Good progress was made in-game, but I won't bore you with those details.

Naturally, we weren't allowed to WoW for the whole weekend. On Saturday we went to Hot Springs and played a round of mini-golf (Dad won), and toured the old bath houses there. Err...I guess it was fun. Before heading home we stopped at an ice cream / coffee shop, and I got an Espresso Float (which is just Espresso poured over vanilla ice cream), and wow. So good.

Oh! (How do I keep forgetting this?) Before heading to Hot Springs we went to a Vespa dealer, because Mom is seriously planning on getting a Vespa soon. That was about an hour at the dealer, considering all of the different models, talking about possibilities and, y'know, whatnot. We were hoping we'd get to watch Mom do a test drive and laugh at her, but that requires a motorcycle permit which she didn't have. So, y'know, alas.

Sunday was church, and then WoW all afternoon. Oh, I grilled hotdogs for us. They were delicious. The Iversons went to see X3. I got Barradon through the Badlands. Then Sunday night ZF, and we were up until after one.

And most of yesterday was all of us quietly wondering when we'd actually head home. Shannon and Jeff ended up deciding to wait until today, but I'm not exactly rolling in leave time, so Trish and I headed home about 4:30 last night. We got a ticket for following too close behind a police officer (who pulled in front of me and then slowed down, grr). They were out in major force all week, obviously trying to make a show, and probably with a quota to fill. Oh well, whatever.

And that was that. I managed to write on Sleeping Kings every day, which I consider a major success. And I got a lot of the story and design worked out over the course of 11 hours of driving. And now I'm back home, and a long couple weeks of work getting ready for my week of travel.

Hope everyone had a great Memorial Day!

Friday, May 26, 2006

Greatness: A Parable

There was a man who lived next door to an artist's studio. The artist was a scupltor who made fine, exquisite porcelain figurines. Every day the man walked past the artist's studio on his way to work, and often the artist would ask him to stop by and look at the figurines. The man always refused, though, thinking they wouldn't suit him.

Then there came a day when the artist succeeded in persuading the man to come in, and the man found the figurines delightful. They were gorgeous, crafted in such minute detail, and they captured his attention.

Alas, the man was a clumsy man, and even as he was appreciating the fine artwork, he fumbled one of the figurines and it fell to the floor, shattering. The artist, in spite of her pain, insisted that the man not apologize--after all, it was clearly an accident--and thanked him for his appreciation. She asked him to come by again the next day, and see her new piece.

The man came back again, and again, through his clumsiness, he broke a priceless figurine. Frustrated, he left and went on his way.

It took time, but eventually the artist convinced him to come back again. He was careful, oh so careful, but in spite of himself he turned too quickly, or stepped away from a shelf and bumped another shelf, and this time he shattered a dozen pieces.

The man loved the artist's work, but every single time he visited the studio he left behind him destruction. He finally determined, for the sake of the artist and her figurines, never to visit the shop again. Time passed, and sometimes he missed the delicate little pieces (and sometimes the artist missed his praise), but he always remembered all the broken bits, whenever he visited, and so he was able to stay out of the shop for many years.

Then there came a time, much later, when the man had grown older and more careful, and as he was passing the artist's studio he caught the artist's eye, and decided to stop by. To apologize for all the broken fragments, and look on the beauty of her artwork once more.

She was so excited to see him that she came rushing to him, and led him here and there all through the shop, showing him all the fine work she had made in the years he was gone, and talking to him again about all the work he'd seen before, and as she led him here and there, weaving among all the pieces, he grew more and more frantic, desperate not to do as he had done before.

But there was nothing for it. In his whirlwind tour of the artist's studio he tripped, or pulled up short, or turned to go (or leaned closer for a look at a particularly wonderful piece), and with a loud crash, and then a quiet splintering, another priceless treasure was destroyed.

He squeezed the artist's hand, then, and carefully backed away, toward the door. He offered his apology again, assured her that he would come back by when he could, but his eyes lingered on the fragments on the floor, so familiar.

And when he stepped outside, he felt a strong relief, even letting go of something he cherished, because it wasn't worth the cost. He couldn't take the responsibility of so many beautiful things shattered, and he would not make the artist suffer it anymore (not even if she begged it of him).

And so he left the studio, and stayed away. The end.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Sleeping Kings

Okay, I'm gonna give this a try again. So far, my average rate of progress on this storyline has been about one page per five months, so I'm not incredibly optimistic, but I'd sure love to get this story written.

The idea behind it was to write it serially -- something I've tried before, but never really gotten any good at. Then again, now that I have a Xanga and can get comments and whatnot, maybe it'll be easier to do.

To make it a (little) easier to read, I started a new Xanga just for that story. Add it to your Subscriptions! Feel free to post a comment every time you go check it, and see that there's no new entry. Maybe that'll get me going.

Also, feel free to comment on it. I understand Sir Walter Scott killed off a character about 2/3 of the way through Ivanhoe (which was also written serially) and got such outraged feedback from his readers that he had the character come back to life near the end, in what is one of the most delightful scenes in the story. So, yeah, I welcome feedback. I cannot be held responsible if some version of your ideas show up in the story, though, so consider anything you write subject to uncredited use.

That is all. Oh! And, because it's Xanga, you have to click on Oldest and read backwards to get to the newest. If anyone knows how to reverse the post order, I'd love to hear it.

http://www.xanga.com/SleepingKings

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

The Clearing

Last night, Trish and I watched a movie called The Clearing, starring the Green Lantern and that dude from Sneakers.

It sucked. Don't ever watch it. Did you like Ransom? Watch Ransom. Seriously. No matter whether your answer was yes or no. If you think you might like to watch The Clearing, watch Ransom instead.

The Clearing is just plain awful. Blarf!

Edit: Upon further consideration, don't even watch Ransom. Watch Payback. That one rocks.

Monday, May 22, 2006

Greatness: The Power of the Written Word

We went to see The DaVinci Code yesterday....

Here's the thing. I'm often going to be called a snob, or just generally hateful toward popular culture, and to some extent both of those things are true. I mean, I just hate Tom Hanks because I hate him -- I've got no good reasons.

The DaVinci Code, though, and that damn Anne Rice -- those I hate for different reasons.

See, I've lived most of my life thinking of myself as a writer. And, as all of you know, I'm a very introspective sort of person, so I've paid close attention to what I was doing. More than that, I've always felt it was my religious calling to write, that my gifts were given in order to accomplish something.

And that leads straight to my point. Writing matters. Art matters. Our cultural symbolism and stories shape the worlds we live in, and they can do that in very powerful ways. This includes popular music and dime novels and all of it. Interview with the Vampire shapes our view of the world in exactly the same way that Stoker's Dracula does. Except, of course, for the new shape presented.

And if that's true, then it says something about the role of writers. Not just that they're important (which, of course, I believe is true), but that they have a responsibility. If I'm writing two hundred pages of chitchat to entertain you in your free time, then my sole responsibility is to write something that entertains. I could throw in some deep, thought-provoking dialogue if I wanted to, as long as it didn't detract from the entertainment value. That's how Kris, for instance, feels that most popular entertainment works. I think that's how most people approach it. "It's just a movie." That sort of thing.

But if our entertainment shapes the way we view the world, then everything changes. Then every book you read and every movie you write changes your world (for better or for worse). The entertainment value, then, is not the point of the piece, but the bait that keeps you in the trap long enough for it to have its full effect.

Everything I've seen of literature (and believe me, I've seen a lot of it) indicates that the latter is true. And, as I've said, not just for high literature but for every soap opera or trashy romance novel you ever read (or, hitting closer to home, every opinionated website or goofy collection of flash animations). There's a thousand ways in which it works, too.

First, we all build meaning in our lives based on stories. You learn that the stove is dangerous through an autobiography: "And then, in spite of all the 'nos' and 'hot! bad!' from Mom, I touched the hot stove, and it hurt." That story gives meaning to "no" and "hot" and "bad." They're no longer just shouted admonitions, and no longer just empty instructions, backed by the threat of punishment. They are meaningful warnings of the dangers the world holds.

As we get older, we get better at interpreting and applying stories. We learn to listen to biographies. "Tommy got caught lying to teacher and he got fifteen swats!" And so we add pieces to our picture of the world without having to directly experience them. Of course, this is also when we become vulnerable to lies (and fiction) misshaping our world.

And, of course, we eventually learn to respond to fiction, to allegory, to metaphor. We learn to listen to a story that's not real, or not about anyone we know, or not directly applicable to our lives, and take the meaning out of it that does apply to our lives. Think of your favorite parable (Zen or Christian, doesn't matter), and you know exactly what I'm talking about.

A major portion of the human experience comes from listening to stories and applying them to our lives. A major portion of the adult experience is burying that process so deep beneath our conscious awareness that only Literature and Film majors are expected to ever talk about it, and they're considered a little goofy for doing it.

But you do it. You internalize the messages of the media that you participate in. This doesn't mean you ape the actions you see on the screen or read on the page. Watching a violent movie or playing a violent video game doesn't make you a violent person. Rather, it adds a vivid awareness of violence to your view of the world. There are some people who really believe the world isn't a violent place, and for them, watching (I dunno) Pulp Fiction or playing GTA would seem so terrible....

You know why? Because it's actively challenging and reshaping their world.

And here's the thing: violent games can make violent people act violent. It's not the game making them violent, though. It's a part of their personality made visible in their environment. If violent games couldn't do that to us, then inspiring stories couldn't lead people to do great things, and romantic stories couldn't melt hardened hearts. The world around us is far too big to take in all at once, so we view it, constantly, through personal filters. Dynamic filters. Stories help us to change the filters, ever so slightly, to see something that was hidden before, or to see something familiar in a new light. In the most dramatic cases, this leads to action (good or bad), but far more often it's a subtle change, that will persist until the next story changes your filters again....

It's a deliberate process, too, from the writer's point of view. Let me use an example that I mentioned to Trish yesterday, after watching the movie. There's a scene in the movie (I doubt this is any kind of spoiler) when Joe and Magneto are debating some of the finer aspects of mythical history. They accept from the start that the church is a fraud actively perpetrated against humanity, and (from that base) get into a really heated debate about whether the fraud was perpetrated this way or that way. It's easy to get caught up in the debate.

That's something we are taught in Creative Writing classes. It's a fantastic trick. Because the reader, who (knowing they are reading fiction) is actively working to believe your fantasy story (at least enough to keep reading). Part of the unconscious process of reading fiction is distinguishing which parts of the story you're supposed to take for granted (just as part of the story), and which parts you're supposed to consider suspect (such as individual characters' motivations). If I wrote a book on Church history and said outright that this or that had happened, you would stop and think, "No, that can't be right, it goes against so much other historical evidence."

If, though, I hand you a fictional story and say, "Read this, it's entertaining," and then within the story I suggest that the same thing happened, you are trained to accept that just within the confines of the story. That works out really well for sci-fi and fantasy, because usually the fantastic premise is something that you'd have to work really hard to incorporate into your regular worldview. Something like "the Catholic church is out to get us," though...that's something a lot of people want to think anyway. So it's a lot easier to accidentally take it with you when you put the book down.

So, back to my example from the movie. When Forest and Gandalf are arguing the fine details ("The Christians started it!" "Nuh uh, the pagans started it!") you evaluate these items the way you normally would a story element (that is, decide to accept it within the story, but reject it once the story is over). The very action of their debate keys you in that this is something you're supposed to consider suspect. And, by contrast, the things that they agree on seem even more reasonable and less suspect than it normally would, because these dissenting voices agreed on it out-of-hand.

It's just one of the tools that we, as writers, are taught to use to deliberately affect the way you, as readers, view the world. Sneaky little things that we drop between paragraphs while we're crafting a story that's entertaining enough to keep you reading. That's the work of the author, and he has a responsibility to treat his readers right. Every orator out to change his audience's mind has the same responsibility. The better you are at it, the more compelling your message or the more receptive your audience, the greater your responsibility to impact their world in a positive way.

Naturally, there have always been those who have abused the power of oratory. Some earnestly believed the message they were preaching (corrupt though it may have been). Some manipulated others for personal gain. The worst, though, are those so irresponsible that they toss world-changing words on a crowd at a whim, without thought of the consequences. Those who twist words for a quick buck, or just for the spectacle it produces.

I'll spend most of my life striving to be able to impact people with my words, and the rest of it trying to make my words worthy of the people who hear them. It disgusts me, deep down, to see someone abusing that power.

That's all.